Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Our Last Day Together, 365 Days Ago


Precious Truffles,

A year ago today started out just like any other day. Little did I know it was destined to be a day that will remain with me until I draw my last breath.

The night before had been a late one. Rain at Daytona had pushed the NASCAR race into the wee hours of the morning, ending around 3AM. I sat on the floor to watch the closing laps and you seemed to be urging me to hurry up and get to bed. I wonder now if you knew it would be our last night together. Even though it was extremely hot you curled up between my legs which had been your favorite spot on the bed since the day I brought you home less than two short years before.

I woke up a little drowsier than usual but it was Monday morning and a long week stretched ahead. In the back of mind I was thinking a vet visit was probably in the near future because your breathing had been bothering me all weekend. Even your grandma had asked why your tummy was noticeably moving from across the room. I googled abdominal breathing and read some pretty scary things, but you were four years old...why would I think it was anything more serious than being overheated? I must just be more paranoid than usual...after all, tomorrow would be the two year anniversary of saying good-bye to Tara.

After work I came home to find that you hadn't eaten much, and then you went in to lay on the cool bedroom floor. Throughout the afternoon I kept checking on you, watching you breathe. After dinner we finished up our blog post tribute to Tara and while I watched a little Investigation Discovery and Food Network, you took a nice long nap in your favorite window. But even while watching TV I had this strange, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I still can't explain.

Then at 9:45 all hell broke loose. I won't go into the details again of what you went through; you've already so eloquently done that in your farewell post that has touched so many peoples' hearts.


I remember watching the people in the emergency room that night. It was so busy, and I just sat there watching everyone coming and going with their pets. I was so jealous of those paying their bill and heading out the door with their best friend, knowing you most likely wouldn't be returning home.

I've never told anyone that while at the ER I didn't cry, even when I received your diagnosis. It was the weirdest thing, but I couldn't cry. The whole situation was just so unbelievable to me that I didn't know how to react. It wasn't until I got in the car and headed home without you that the floodgates opened up. But still, the whole route home I was completely numb. To this day when I'm on those same roads I remember the horror of that night.

My greatest regret is that I left you. Why did I head home, saying I'd see you in the morning? If I'd stayed there just another 30 minutes I would have been there for you at the end. I could have held you, comforted you as you took your last breath.

Going home for the second time without you was even worse than the first, because that time I knew I would never see you again. And walking in the door, seeing your food dishes, your toys, your cat beds, just as you left them, is a heartache I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. With other cats I picked up their things after a couple days because it hurt too much to look at them, but I didn't pick yours up until just before Mudpie arrived. Maybe if your toys and beds remained you'd come back to claim them. Maybe the whole thing was just a bad dream.


They say anger is one of the 5 stages of grief and I can't get past that. You didn't deserve the tragically short life you had. You were a baby...we were robbed of so much time together. To this day when I tell people that I lost two cats on the exact same day two years apart, almost to the hour, they can't believe it. How could they when I still can't believe it?

The one bright spot of the year has been Mudpie. I know you and Tara conspired and sent her to me, and you couldn't have done any better. She's absolutely perfect in every single way. I only wish she could have come to me under different circumstances.

You don't know how I dread the thought of tonight and tomorrow coming. I wish I could completely erase July 7th from the calendar. I fear that date is tainted by a poison there's no escape from.

It's been a hard year, but a year in which I learned the true value of friendship. So many people loved you and will never forget you. And it goes without saying, but I miss you desperately.

I always will.

Love you forever,
Mommy

41 comments:

  1. What an awful experience for you and that little baby Truffles. Nothing I can say can bring comfort only in the knowing that of all people, you had the chance at love with this beautiful wonderous creature. No one else had that but you. Though short and fleeting, how special that it was you who was chosen for him. Sending a hug and woofs your way.

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  2. Purrs and prayers for you on this difficult day.

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  3. Sobbing ... I don't have the words. I'm so sorry for both of you. There's no way to know and yet we relive the hours and minutes over and over again. Anyone who's loved a cat intimately knows exactly what you describe. I wish I could give you a hug - for myself as well as for you.

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  4. Melissa, I know this post must have been so painful, so cathartic, so courageous for you to write, but I want you to know that it is also in its own way such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful Truffles. I know that there are no words to describe what you are going through today, but please know that your Truffles was so lucky to have you and loved you so much. And she still does, because she will always be with you. Many purrs and prayers and hugs to you today, Melissa.

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  5. Oh man, we are all teared up. So very sorry for your loss and we totally understand. Our loss of Katie is still so fresh, there is nothing worse than leaving and knowing you will never see your fur baby again. This breaks our heart. Big hugs to you. Go through some photos today, and let those tears flow. We find it to be therapeutic for us.

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  6. Oh Melissa. I can't believe it's been a year already. Big hugs to you as you go through this first anniversary of Truffles' passing. Losing a cat is always hard, but when it's a young cat, and the loss is so sudden, it's devastating. I hope that despite you reliving the memories of that horrible day, there will also be some good memories of your much too short time with Truffles. You're in my thoughts today.

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  7. My heart aches for the loss of your sweet baby.

    skkorman AT bellsouth DOT net

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  8. Beautiful. I'm crying and sending caring thoughts your way.

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  9. I am so sorry that you have been through the first anniversary of Truffles passing and know it will hurt you deeply. In time you will gradually start to heal but it will take time. Take care of yourself.

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  10. This was beautifully written and eloquently captured the pain of losing a beloved friend. I lost my cat Biltong too soon as well. He had just turned three -http://hairballsandhissyfits.com/rip-biltong-the-cat-very-loved-and-dearly-missed/- and this posted brought it all back. It is painful to remember him but wonderful as well. I hope Mudpie brings you solace during this rough time

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  11. It's always painful to remember how a beloved pet left this earth. Sending you hugs and purrs so you'll get through this day, and tomorrow think only of Truffles' amazing wonderfulness and the joy she brought you--and all of us!

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  12. I'm with you, my friend, in spirit and in grief. I'm giving you gentle, comforting hugs from afar, knowing exactly how you feel, and knowing nothing I say or do will ease your heartache and pain. But I'm honoring your beloved Truffles today by making a donation to another kitty in need. 🐾❤️

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  13. Reading your words echoes so much within my own heart and the stories while different share the same feelings and sadness that followed.I'm sitting here with tears falling down my cheeks for myself and for you. I so understand, and the guilt, yes I understand that well too. I had to forgive myself for somehow missing something and not acting fast enough, but for myself I had to finally let that go. Both Truffles and Tara did bring Mudpie to you, they knew that you needed her in your life, to love again, anew. Because in the end it's just more love we find and share. I am so sorry for the pain because I know that it doesn't end, it softens around the edges and it grows quiet, but on certain trigger days, it's back in full force. Be gentle with yourself and let Mudpie help you heal today. Thinking of you.

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  14. It is unfathomable to not only lose such a YOUNG cat, but to lose two .....virtually on the same day. (((hugs)))) as you cope with this most difficult day.

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  15. So sorry you had to go through that.

    Sending you hugs and purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  16. I am so sorry. I know anniversaries like this are painful and sad. Sending lots of support across the miles

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  17. Days like these are the absolute worst. It's really hard, and I don't think they get any better. But in time we're able to wrap our anger and grief up tight with loads of memories - and that's what gets us through. Hugs to you!

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  18. =^..^=

    ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

    with hugs N love from all of us ~~~~~~~~

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  19. I'm so sorry. Two devastating losses on the same day seems like too much for one person to bear. I'll light two candles for your sweeties. I wish I could do more.

    Jean from Welcome to the Menagerie

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  20. Such a beautiful tribute to your beloved Truffles and so sad. Every time I have suffered a loss since you lost Truffles, I just think of how what you went through was so much harder because of the shock of it and her age. It was truly unfair. I know she is watching over you though just like Tara. XO

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  21. What a beautiful and moving post ! Purrs and hugs. Purrs

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  22. Sendin' purrayers. You and mommy should get together and console each other. She did a lot of da same things.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  23. This broke my heart again, just as reading your post a year ago did. Truffles will never leave you.

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  24. I'm tearing up all over again.

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  25. Your heartfelt words have brought tears! Sending gentle hugs and cuddle Mudpie xxx

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  26. That was so beautiful that we have leaky eyes.
    Sending great big Noodle hugs and nose licks...

    Noodle and crew

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  27. We'll never know why things happen that do but maybe losing Truffles is why you have Mudpie and without that you wouldn't have her. I deal with similar memories and I suppose it's only time that helps but I'm am so sorry for your loss and wish I could help more.

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  28. Your regret at leaving tears at my heart. Losing Truffles so young, so unexpected, and in such a shocking way is hard enough, but sometimes it's the things we choose that hurt us most, not the things we can't change. Perhaps she didn't want you there, didn't want you to see her pain and suffering so that you would never be able to remember it. Now you have a day that has become a memorial site that you visit, a place to store your pain, and leave a little behind with each passing year. Thinking of you today.

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  29. Our eyes are leaking. Mine for my furrend Truffles and TW’s for Nicky. Everything came back. She didn’t cry for Nicky for almost a week. She was numb. One day she finally grabbed HHGutt and wailed.

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  30. I really respect you for writing this because I know how painful it is. It's something I should do in regard to my loss of my former kitty, Lucy, but I still can't bring myself to do it even over three years later.

    Of course you couldn't process that Truffles wouldn't be going home so you went home. I'm so sorry for the pain of that, but I truly understand. I never admit to myself the true seriousness of a situation at the time and it's caused me regret. You did everything right and she was so young and you loved her so much. I'm just so sorry for the loss of Truffles and Tara.

    Hugs to you and Mudpie.

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  31. Sending you lots of purrs and hugs today.

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  32. You ar e a beautiful writer and I know Truffles is up there watching and reading your words. I just know it!

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  33. Leaky eyes here. Sending you purrs, prayers and comforting thoughts as you remember your sweet Truffles.

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  34. Sending so many hugs and purrs your way.

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  35. It breaks my heart that you are living with this heartache and regret. You did everything you could have done. Truffles was so loved and so lucky have have spent her life with you. Sending love and hugs. Truffles and Tara are watching over you, sending their love as well. <3

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  36. *sniff sniff* Lexy, hand me a tissue please. *honk honk* Oh, Miss Melissa, this made us all teary eyes. Truffles had such a good life with you, even if it was short. She was so lucky you were her Mommy.

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  37. I can't believe it's been a whole year. A big hug to you! Many tears here...

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  38. Such a beautiful memorial. Glad I had the tissues handy. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  39. Sending hugs! What a tribute to Angel Truffles! I couldn't comment last week as you reminded me of the angel babies I have loved. Two of these angels I still miss desperately. One had been my been my best friend for more than 15 years, the other a stray who just refused to be our indoor girl whose loss I still grieve and second guess myself on. She used to knock on our screen door at any time of the day or night that she lwanted to see me. A few nights ago I heard a knock at our screen door and I was almost convinced it was her...it was a stray little momma girl that we've been feeding for months, wanting more kibble. Our Angels break our hearts when they leave too soon, Melissa, and send us new babies to cuddle into those broken parts when we rescue them. You, Angels Tara and Truffles have been loved by many, and you have so much more love to give Mudpie - as do your readers. It is a joy to see your posts every day! Blessings!

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